May

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It's May 1st, and for some reason, I am overcome by a feeling of total rejuvenation.  May has brought a renewed sense of commitment and dedication to getting things done and doing them right.  I suddenly feel inspired to clean out my closet, cook at home, drink more water, and call old friends.  I feel excited to stop collecting stuff that I don't need, spending money I don't have, and then feeling guilty when it's all said and done.  I'm ready to plan for the summer, organize picnics with friends, and be intentional about how I am going to spend my month off.  I'm looking forward to wrapping up internship, walking across the stage as "Doctor Allison," and living back with Matt during the week.  I'm suddenly bursting with energy and inspiration, ready to face some of things I've been avoiding for some time.  I'm not sure what it is about May 1st, but there's definitely something different.  And I'm ready as hell to run with it, take chances, get moving, and embrace all that life has to offer.

So cheers to you, May 1st.  I think you're just what I needed.

Halfway

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Last month, I hit the 6 month mark of my internship, which means I'm halfway done.  6 months down, 6 months to go.  The experience so far has been a combination of wonderful, hard, exhausting, and rewarding.  There are days I feel like I'm on top of the world, and there are days I wonder, can I make it to Friday?  The past 6 months have truly felt like a journey.  In many ways, its hard for me to believe its only been 6 months; it feels like so much longer.  Part of that, I think, is due to the fact that its the homestretch of this 6 year degree.  I often hear marathon runners talk about the last few miles being the hardest, and though I'm far from a marathon runner, (understatement, I can't even run a mile), this Ph.D has been nothing short of a grueling race, filled with doubt, excitement, success, and detours.  But these last few miles have been filled with their own challenges, their own successes, and their own lessons.  So I thought I'd take a second to share a few of the biggest lessons I've learned during the past 6 months.

Being away from Matt is hard. Really hard.  I know this one shouldn't surprise me, but it has.  I knew being apart for this year would be hard, but I counted on weekend visits to reenergize me and get me going.  I consider myself to be a strong independent woman, and I've never wanted to rely on a man (or anyone else for that matter) for happiness or strength.  I of course love that Matt contributes to my happiness and strength, but prior to internship, I didn't really like the idea of relying on him for those things.  But after the past 6 months, I've calmed down about that and realized that it is ok to rely on your partner to be a source of energy and joy.  Not my only source of course, but a big one.  Matt is definitely a big support, and being apart has taught me that's not just okay...that's totally awesome.

The current college generation is full of movers and shakers. I'm so tired of hearing people complain about today's youth.  As someone who works closely with college students every single day, I can tell you that many of them are incredibly thoughtful, creative, dedicated, and resilient.  Sure, they're attached to their phones, but that doesn't make them ungrateful or entitled.  This generation has their own identity, and I think we need to spend more time appreciating it than criticizing it.

Good playlists are important for long drives. I travel four hours each weekend, and about two weekends into this year, I realized I couldn't get through the commute without my Britney and throwback Missy Elliot jams.

Social support is critical. Internship is exhausting, hard, and emotionally draining.  I get through it because I have three other girls going through the same thing with me.  We were friends for about a week, and then we literally became living life rafts for each other.  When one is stressed, the others help her pick it up.  When two want to give up, the other two remind them, "You can do it!"And when all four of us are stressed...well, we open a bottle of wine.

Netflix is a lifesaver. This might seem like a lame lesson, but for a girl who doesn't have cable (or any tv channels for that matter), Netflix is my go to option for cheap and easy Monday-Thursday entertainment.  I typically work 60 hours a week, so to have 342 episodes of Numbers at the click of a button...well, it means no effort entertainment for me.

I'm good at what I do. Sometimes during this crazy journey, I get caught up in all I have to learn, all that I don't know.  I've been a student for so long, that's it's easy to focus on what I'm not doing right or what needs to be better.  I'm not perfect, and I won't ever be.  But this year has reminded me that it's ok to slow down, and realize I do know what I'm doing, and I'm doing a pretty good job at it.

Six months down, six to go.  Bring it on :)

Yesterday

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Yesterday I had one of those very awful, terrible, not so great, bad days.  It started to go downhill early in the morning and just kept creeping towards worse.  The day eventually ended with a small (ok maybe medium) meltdown, that resulted in Matt pulling through like always, calming me down and reminding me things will be ok.  Yesterday is old, today is new.  Yesterday is gone, today is here, and I'm determinded to make it better.

For anyone else that had a rough day lately, let's agree to not let yesterday take up too much of our time, and let's make today better.

My Focused Effort for the New Year

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We're 10 days into January, and I'm just now sharing my focused effort for the new year.  (Reminder: I don't make "resolutions;" I make "focused efforts."  Read why here.)  I waited ten days into January to share my focused effort, just to make sure it was appropriate and fitting for me.  I'm here to report that it is doable and very pertinent for my life.

As I spent the last few days of 2011 cozied up at home in Texas, I reflected back on the past year, mainly the past 6 months, and how hectic my life has been.  My internship kicked into full gear, I became a bit of a workaholic, and worst of all, I was (and still am) away from Matt.  At some point, I'd like to blog about what this experience has taught me, but for now I'll say that living Monday through Friday as a single workaholic has led to some pretty terrible self-care.  12 hour workdays, constant caffeine, little sleep, and a rotating diet of frozen meals and canned soup.  Not good.

They say you should treat yourself like you'd treat a fancy car.  (Not that my Honda is super fancy, but I like to be prepared for the day I win the lottery and get my silver Range Rover.)  Fancy cars need consistent attention, tune ups, good oil, car washes, and a faithful mechanic.  If you want a car to run at top speed, you've got to be good to its insides.  I firmly believe that our minds and bodies are the same way.  If I expect my mind to operate at top speed, I've got to be good to my body.

I want my mind to be alert, I want to be quick witted with students, I want to engage them in the small moments.  I want to be rested so I can enjoy my weekends with Matt, drive safe on my weekend commute, and remember the small details about my loved ones.  I want to run like the best luxury car out there.  Yet I treat my body like an old beat-up hooptie.  I neglect it, pump bad gas into it, and leave the check engine light unattended to for way too long.  I keep saying I'll get to it, but I don't.  I leave it alone, treat it like crap, and hope my mind will miraculously pick up my body's slack.

So this year, my focused effort is simple.  Be better to my body.  It doesn't have a thing to do with weight, clothing size, or what I see in the mirror.  It has to do with giving my body the things it needs to help my mind operate like I expect it and want it to.  (Please note I considered capturing my focused effort with the phrase "be good to yourself," but I knew my twisted self would eventually manipulate that to mean "treat yourself" aka get massages, weekly mani/pedis, and take every Friday off work.  I know the way my sneaky brain works.)

There are a few small,  yet specific ways I'm focusing on this goal of being better to my body.

Each day...Take 1 multivitamin.  Eat 5 fruits/veggies.  Drink 8 glasses of water.  Work in 30 minutes of physical activity.  Get 8 hours of sleep. To help myself stay on track, I've embraced an easy reminder (which is now on a post-it note on my computer screen at work and on my mirror at home.  1/5/8/30/8. (1 multivitamin, 5 fruits and veggies, 8 glasses of water, 30 minutes of activity, and 8 hours of sleep.)  I'm trying to be better to my body, using these simple numbers.

I don't think I'll ever do all of these in one day.  If I do, that's awesome, but I'm not trying to be perfect.  Just more mindful.  Mindful that my brain and body are connected, and that if I want my mind to be focused, refreshed, and joyful, I've got to be better to my body.

What are your focused efforts for the new year?  Anyone else need to energize and refresh your mind by being better to your body?

The Impossible

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Five years ago, when I started my Ph.D program, a dissertation sounded impossible.  It seemed so big, so vague, and so out of reach.  Two years after that, I got started and realized just how incredibly hard and overwhelming it was.  It was hard to even know where to begin; it seemed impossible.  A year after that I faced a huge obstacle, and suddenly, it seemed like my academic world was crumbling around me.  I was emotionally drained and defeated; I was sure I couldn't go on.  It felt impossible.  Since then, I've had multiple moments where I sat at my computer, sometimes swearing, sometimes crying, burying my face in my hands, thinking, "I can't do this anymore; its impossible, I give up!"  But a week from Thursday, I'm defending my disseration.  Defending the project I swore was impossible, the project I was sure I'd never ever finish.  It's here, its almost done, and suddenly, I'm realizing its not so impossible after all.  Somehow, in those moments of impossible, I found a way to press through.  Sometimes because I forced myself to, but usually because I had a loving group of people standing beside me, saying "You can do it.  We believe in you."  Between Matt, my parents, my brother, and my dear friends, I found just enough energy to keep going.  And suddenly the impossible is possible.

Thinking about this journey and how close I am, makes me reflect on the things in my life I'm currently finding "impossible," the things I'm currently swearing I won't survive.  As daunting as they feel, as overwhelming as they seem, I've realized today that I've got history on my side.  Things have seemed impossible before, yet I've managed to survive and overcome.  With a little bit of hope and courage, and a lot of support from those closest to us, even the overwhelming is doable.  So today, I'm challenging us to take a closer look at our lives and realize that we can do it; we can make it.  The impossible is possible after all.

Fat Talk Free Week

 

This week, as part of my job, I have been working on promoting an international campaign on the college campus where I work.  The program, Fat Talk Free Week, is aimed at combating our society's thin ideal and standard of beauty.  Its goal is to raise awareness of how our everyday language affects the way women and young girls everywhere view themselves, their bodies, and the world around them.  Fat talk is around us every day, and I can't pretend them I'm innocent or immune to it.  It's so woven into the fabric of every day life, that its often hard to even detect when we use it.  But we do, I do, almost all of us do.  But after promoting this campaign and doing what I do every single day (which yes, I know, I'm still vague about), I'm starting to see just how dangerous fat talk is.  So I encourage you to watch this video and realize just how destructive our words can be.  I'm not perfect, I'm not always good to myself, and I often speak before thinking.  But after watching this video a million times and working with college women on a daily basis, I'm trying to be more mindful of my words and the impact they have on me, my friends, my family, the strangers I meet in line, and the daughter I hope to maybe one day have.  So this week, I'm making a conscious effort to watch my words and find new things to focus on.  Won't you join me?

Amazing People

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I came across this print a few days ago on Pinterest, and it has been on my mind ever since.  "Amazing people do not just happen." Its simple really, yet its something I think we tend to forget all too quickly.  We live in a world where a lot of things come in an instant.  With a click or simple command, its ours.  But when it comes to truly amazing people and amazing things, the picture isn't quite so simple.  Amazing things take work, insane devotion, and relentless effort.  That girl you see with the amazing job?  It didn't just happen.  She likely worked her butt off for it, putting in years of prep work, doing tasks she wasn't crazy about, knowing there would be a payoff in the end.  That relationship you see that seems so effortless?  It probably isn't.  It probably takes a ton of work, communication, and commitment to one another.  That mom you see that grocery store who has two kids and looks unbelievably fit?  I'm gonna guess she didn't get that body by sitting around eating Twinkies.  She probably gets up at some insane hour, while most of us are sleeping, to hit the pavement and sweat it out.  These people, these things, take an insane amount of dedication and passion; they don't just happen.

All too often I think we sit by, thinking, "I wish I could do that, I wish I could be that, I wish I could have that."  And in lots of those situations, I bet we could.  If we really worked, if we really pushed, if we really made it a top priority.  I'm not saying we need to become these accomplishment obsessed people, never satisfied with our lives.  But we all have those amazing things we want to accomplish, those amazing people we want to become.  And guess what?  It's possible.  But it doesn't just happen.  So today, I'm asking you (and myself) what amazing things do you want for your life and what are you going to do to make them happen?

The Next Step

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Back in February, I rejoiced over my internship match news and spent an entire weekend celebrating the good news.  The entire process of getting a Ph.D has been exhausting, but my internship has kind of been the light at the end of the tunnel, the signal that I'm almost done with this six year marathon.  (Yes, you read that right, six years.)  Since celebrating back in February, I've been kind of quiet around these parts about internship.  Not because I haven't been excited, not because it isn't a big step, but mostly just because August 1st felt so far away.  Well, summer has come and almost gone, and suddenly August 1st is almost here.

Lots of people have asked me how I'm feeling about the whole thing, particularly the moving two hours away from Matt thing.  And my answer has consistently been, it'll be a challenge, but more than anything, I'm just excited.  Excited to get back to what I love doing, excited to be surrounded by people who are passionate about the field, and excited to resume what I truly believe God intended me do with my life.  (Ok, and I won't lie, I've also been excited about being able to decorate a girly space again!)  Even yesterday as we had dinner with our friend Norma, both Matt and I downplayed the big move, focusing instead on the excitement and the significance of starting and finishing this internship (and this degree.)  But last night, after Matt went to bed, I began to feel a little differently.  As I made lists of what needed to go and what could stay in Chicago, it hit me that I'm moving.  Away from Matt.  As I ordered pictures online, I was reminded that I'm ordering pictures because I won't have Matt there in person and I'll need reminders of the memories we've made together.

When I finally crawled into bed last night, I snuggled up next to Matt and cried.  I cried because I'm going to miss him terribly and because change is hard.  This year, we've established more of a routine and built such a fun little life together.  It will be weird not having that on a daily basis.  And even though I'll be home most weekends, its going to be weird not being with Matt Monday through Friday.  But just as I start to feel completely overwhelmed, I remember my excitement about going back to what I love.  I remember how good it will feel to immerse myself in a job I am truly passionate about.  And I remember that all of this, every tiny piece, is a part of God's plan.  He has carefully crafted this picture for both Matt and I, and with that, I know we'll be just fine.

A week from today, my new adventure begins.  I'm excited, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm nervous.  But most of all, more than anything, I'm eager to see what God has in store for me on this next little part of my journey...

Common Things

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"Being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things."
Henry Ward Beecher

Lately, Matt and I have been making a more concentrated effort to pull back the reigns financially.  With my internship nearing, we're looking at two rents as well as four hour weekend commutes to see one another.  That, combined with dreams of buying a house sometime in the (hopefully) not too far future, has encouraged us to watch our wallets a bit more.  And though this always proves to be a bit of a challenge for me, in a weird way, I'm learning to love and appreciate the challenge.  Because happiness isn't dining at posh restaurants, drinking $5 lattes, or wearing a new dress.  Happiness is grilling hot dogs on our patio, doing a 25 cent garage sale puzzle together, and getting creative with what I have hanging in my closet.  And while I have the occasional moment of "why is this so hard?" I'm learning to be slow down and see that the common, everything things are oh so lovely indeed.

The Palm of His Hand

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Several years ago, I heard someone talking about how God had watched over and protected them, how He had cared for them in their time of need.  I will never forget what they said, because it struck me as so sincere.  They said, "God had me in the palm of His hand."  It was a strange phrase at first, but as I've thought about it again and again over the years, its a phrase I've come to really love.  And the past two weeks, the phrase hasn't left my mind.  Maybe its because so many of Matt and I's "uncertains" have recently become sorta-certains.  Maybe its because Chicago is finally starting to feel like home.  Maybe its I'm getting older and really starting to reflect on the blessings surrounding me.  Whatever it is, I can't shake the phrase.  God has me in the palm of His hand.

The phrase itself is simple, nine words total.  But the idea of being held in the palm of someone's hand is so profound.  Think about the care and attention that goes into keeping something safe in the palm of your hand.  You have to shape your hand just right, cupped enough to be protective, yet open enough to allow breath and development.  When something is in the palm of your hand, you can't forget its there, its always on your mind.  Your arm may tire, you may encounter other things that need your attention, but you hold steady, tending to the small thing in the palm of your hand, with thought and unending care.

I've realized recently that's how God cares for me.  He has me in the palm of His hand.  Steady and certain, wrapped in unmistakable care.  Even when I thought He wasn't there, even when I didn't understand His plan, He had me.  Right there.  In the palm of His hand.

A year and a half ago, I faced a major obstacle at school that at the time, felt like it was the end of the world.  I was heartbroken and angry, and I was sure God has forgotten about me.  But now, on the other side of that obstacle, I see how wrong I was.  God was there, He didn't forget me.  He had me in the palm of His hand.  When Matt and I ventured out to a new city, knowing only two people, God took care of us.  He held us in His palm and taught us a lot about the strength and love of our marriage.  When I faced fear and rejection, He was present.  When I said this is hard, He was there.  When I said, "God, where are you?" he had me.  In the palm of His hand.

As I look back on the past year or so, I think of all the question marks, the doubt, the uncertainty.  I think of all the celebrations, the small victories, and the life lessons learned.  I think of how random and haphazard it seemed at the time.  But now, on the other side of it, I see it differently.  I see how I was cared for, with kindness and attention.  I see how I was thought about, with detail and wisdom.  I see how even when I wanted things my way, He knew better.  Hindsight is always easier, but this hindsight is different.  This hindsight is informing me of whats happening right now and what will continue happen each and every day of my life.  As I type, as I plan for the future, as I love my family and friends, as I struggle, as I celebrate, as I prepare for new beginnings.  God has me.  Safe and sound, wrapped in care, with His plan in mind.  And nothing is more comforting to know.

God has me in the palm of His hand.

My Circle

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On Valentines Day, I (like most people), am thinking about a little L-O-V-E.  Today however, I'm not just thinking about my sweetie, I am thinking about a very special group of people I call "my circle."  My circle, the group of people in my life who keep me going, keep me grounded, and continually make my world so special.  These people surround me with love and support even in the toughest of times.  Its because of my circle that I not only feel loved, but that I know how to love.  Throughout my life, the people in my circle have shown me the true meaning of love and given me a real and tangible example of it.  My circle is made up of a lot of different people, from different times in my life.  Each has given me something unique and special, and today, on Valentines Day, I am thinking of them with a warm and overflowing heart.

My Matt, the man who makes life such an adventure, a daily joy, and a constant laugh attack.  Together, we're learning a ton about love and I feel so blessed to be on this journey with him...
My sweet parents, who have wrapped me in love from the beginning.  The notes in my lunch, the big bear hugs, and the endless support saying "you can do it; we believe in you..."
My little brother, the first person to ever mesmerize my heart.  He is brave, he is patient, and he is trusting...

My high school bff, Jordan, who across time and distance has understood me and offered up support and encouragement at just the right times...
My dear friend Kristin, who gives her undivided attention and heart to the people in her life.  Her love is authentic and unwavering...
My friend Miguel, who manages to make me with laugh without fail.  He is a loyal friend who subtly reminds you, "you've got this..."

My group of high school friends who know the real me and love me regardless.  I thought as I got older, these people would grow farther out of my circle, but nothing of the sort has happened; they've stayed nestled close to heart, even across all the miles...
My small group of Kappa friends, whose friendships have become deeper and more meaningful after our time at OU.  These girls have reminded me that love is built on a solid foundation...
My close graduate school friends, who remind me that love is about celebrating the exciting and supporting through the trying...

My sister, who is so opposite from me, its comical.  Yet, we've stayed connected and supportive.  A rare set of circumstances brought us together, and thank goodness they did...
My sweet friend Steven, who reminds me that love is fiercely loyal and strong...
My old boss, who has taught me that love listens and isn't always loud and overbearing...

My "second families" in Dallas, who have shown me that love is inclusive and there at a moments notice...
My three Kent and Pine Cove besties, who remind me that love shares special experiences and brings people together, even at a young age...
My aunt, uncle, and cousins, who have taught me that a small extended family can be a powerful one...

They're my circle, my people, and my loves.  They've shown how to love, how to support, and how to accept.  They've given me unwavering encouragement, and they inspire me to lead a full and thoughtful life.  I am so thankful for the role that my circle has played and continues to play in my life.  Today, on Valentines I am grateful for the fabulous people I am blessed to call "my circle."

I encourage you today, on this special day, to reach out to your circle and let them know how much you love them.

A New Year and a Focused Effort

Hey friends, happy new year! Its hard to believe 2010 came and went so fast and that we are already two days into 2011.  Crazy.  I hope you all brought in the new year just how you wished, surrounded by people you love.  Matt and I spent New Years Eve with some of my friends and coworkers from the store, as my boss and her husband opened their home to friends on New Years.  (The same wonderful couple who hosted us for Thanksgiving.)  The party was fairly low key, with great people, great food and lots of bubbly.  Matt and I had lots of fun and were both so happy to be snuggled in our beds just after 1:00 am.  My party animal skills have never been quite on par with my peers :)

As long as I've got this guy next to me at midnight, I'm a happy girl :)

Cheers to a new year, filled with adventure, change, love, and lots of happiness!

Ok, and lots of kisses too :)

And speaking of New Years, I bet you're wondering about my resolutions.  Well, I should tell you, I don't make "resolutions."  Nope, no sir, not here, not me.  I don't make resolutions, just like I don't go on diets.  Because if you read my New Years post last year, you know diets and resolutions just tease me with things I can't do and can't have.  So I'm a fan of "focused efforts."  Yes, very similar to resolutions, I know, but in my crazy head, less of a cruel tease.  Last year, while perusing the blogosphere, I heard about the idea of creating a phrase or word to capture your "focused effort."  Something you can say to yourself to remind yourself in times of temptation to help you make a more informed choice.  Last year, my phrase was "use what you have" in an attempt to stop being so wasteful and use the things I already have and love.  This year's focused effort is almost identical, but with more of a money component.  "BUY LESS."  Yep, that's it.  Just two little words to keep in my head for 2011.

I've shared my focused effort with a few people, and most have laughed at me.  (Apparently its no secret I'm dangerous with an Amex.)  But I'm pushing the laughter aside and reminding myself why I'm choosing to focus on these two words.  I have so much stuff.  Literally.  Its disturbing.  So many clothes, so many candles, so many rolls of gift wrap, so many headbands, so many books to read.  I have so much jewelry, so much makeup, so much stationary, so much food...so much stuff!  I don't even see, much less use, have of what I have.  And yet, I buy buy buy.  Why I do this is another story, but the effects are nothing but negative.  Less space, less money, less clarity, less creative effort.  So while I'm not kidding myself with the phrase "buy nothing" (because that is beyond laughable) I really do want to focus on buying less and focusing on the things I already have and love.

So that's how I'm gearing up for 2011, what about you?  If you're making a "focused effort" this new year, do share, I'd love to hear!

Possibilities

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There are lots of exciting changes going on around our house, and though I don't want to go into too much detail just yet, I don't want to totally leave yall in the dark either.  (Plus, there is no way I can cryptically blog for the next three months without making reference to some of these exciting changes.)  And since I have the habit of rambling when I'm excited, I'm keeping myself to a one line minimum. Well, one line at a time anyway :)

Most of yall know I am close to finishing my Ph.D...
I know I've been a bit secretive about what my degree is in...
I'm not quite ready to reveal that to the masses yet...
(Not that 482 readers is really the masses lol.)

Anyway, the last step of my Ph.D program is an "internship..."
This internship is a full time, year long, 50 hours a week job that is required for peeps in our field...
Most internship sites offer 3 or 4 spots to hundreds of applicants...
Eeesh, not my favorite odds.

I have spent the last two months working on applications, writing essays, and rewriting my vita 905 times...
I submitted 15 applications to sites all around the country...
And after weeks of waiting, I am finally beginning to hear back from sites...
All good news so far.

Matt on the other hand, is at the other end of this internship process...
That is in fact, why we moved to Chicago, for his internship...
PS: we are in the same field and met in graduate school; you can read that story here...)
In August, he will graduate and officially become Dr. Matt...
(Crazy huh?)

This means that Matt has also been on the job hunt...
For professor positions to be exact...
And after months of working on applications, writing essays, and rewriting his vita 905 times...
He finally heard good news last night...
(Good news as in we're flying out next week to visit a prospective university!)

But you may have noticed a complication...
We are both going through this search process at the same time...
This makes things more difficult...
Especially because my search process isn't like a normal search process...
(Its more like a twisted grown up version of sorority rush, where a computer dictates highest mutual matches.)

So this means that we potentially may live apart for a year...
(Sigh...)
I know, it isn't ideal...
And we're not excited about it...
But sometimes you have to do what you have to do...

But if a few rare things line up, we might end up in the same place...
So for now we're playing the waiting game...
Waiting to see what sites like me...
And waiting to see what universities like Matt...

And ultimately waiting to see what that means for where we'll be next year...

And though there are lots of unknowns...
We are looking at things as an adventure...
Because exciting changes can mean wonderful possibilities...
And who can argue with wonderful possibilities?

I promise to keep you all posted, and I promise, at some point, I'll give more details.  You all and this little blog have become such a important part of my life, that I couldn't imagine not mentioning all this stuff, and because I don't say it enough, thank you for making this corner of the web such a lovely little place for me :)

Happy Blog Birthday!

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Today I want to wish a very happy birthday to a very special person...my blog!  Ok, I know, my blog isn't really a person, but as much time, energy, and emotion as I put into it, it may as well be! This time a year ago, I logged onto blogspot and got into this little thing called blogging. I had no idea what I was doing, but in the past year, I've managed to fall in love with it. Its been such a nurturing place for me to discover my own thoughts, express them, and reflect on my experiences. Its reminded me how much I love writing and how much I need to express myself with written word. This blog has also allowed me to connect with some really incredible people, who have made each and every day of the past year more enjoyable.  I went back to my first entry to see what I had to say about starting my blog.

...I thought hard about why was I even starting a blog and who on Earth besides my mom will even read this. And my answer surprised me. I don't really care if anyone reads this blog, I think its more for me to express myself and have the crazy combination of thoughts that run through my head down on paper. I have a lot of different sides to me, and some are sides that aren't always encouraged or cultivated in the academic environment I'm in at the moment. So instead of waiting for that rare, encouraging atmosphere, I'm creating it right here on this very blog! I want to show people that you can be a smart independent woman, yet have your share of Jessica Simpson moments. I want people to see that you can carry on a debate about politics, then turn around and have a similarly fierce conversation about The Hills and the Rachel Zoe Project. It is possible to jam Britney Spears and Alanis Morissette on the same playlist and to read PopSugar.com in between academic journal articles. And for those of you who say its not possible, watch me...

A year later, the same pretty much holds true.  This blog has reminded me to take charge of what you need and want in your life.  FInd a way to create the atmosphere your spirit needs in some part of your life.  I'm so grateful for all the things I've learned this year and for the people who have shared these things with me.  To all of you who read my little blog, THANK YOU!  it means so much to me, and I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am.

So today I am raising a glass to my blog's birthday, my fabulous readers, and another year of Smart and Sassy with Sprinkles!  Have a fabulous weekend, lovelies!

Dream

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“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” C.S. Lewis

This move to Chicago has taken me off path a bit.  And I mean that in a good way.  I was in a place where I thought I had everything all figured out and planned to perfection.  But the move has stirred things up a bit and thrown a mini-wrench in my plan.  That wrench has turned out to be the biggest blessing, as it has forced me to see things differently, take risks, and break out of the box.  A lot of what I’m doing wasn’t in my plan, but it has opened new doors, new possibilities, and new dreams.  It makes me wonder why I wasn’t dreaming these things before and why I was so set on my silly little plan.  So today, I’m tipping my hat to dreams, and promising myself that no matter how old I get, I won’t ever stop dreaming.

Fear

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I am loving this quote so much this week, because its just so dang true.  Since the day in February when we found out we were moving to Chicago, I have been on a furious job hunt.  I was determined to find a fabulous job in our fabulous new city.  Fast forward four months, and all I’ve got is a big old pile of no’s, “you’re overqualified,” and “we’re not hiring.”  I have an even bigger pile of just never heard a word back.  Its been disheartening, frustrating, and downright confidence shaking.  Because I haven’t finished my Ph.D yet, I can’t really get the job I’ve been going to school for for the last billion years.  So I’ve paced, waited, complained, cried, and all about given up over finding a job, much less a job I actually enjoyed. 

A week before we moved, I got a call from the retail store where I’m currently working.  They loved my application and wanted to know when I could interview in person.  We pulled into Chicago with our U-Haul on Sunday, I interviewed Tuesday, and started work Thursday.  As much as I love the store, they can only take part time associates at the moment, which means I have to stay under 20 hours a week.  Boo.  A double boo because it leaves me absolutely no money to use the fabulously fat discount I get.

But through my bouts of doubt, stress, and frustration, I perused jobs online and continued to apply.  Still, I got more no’s, no thank you’s, and “we’ll call you.”  So last Monday, after a lovely trip to the zoo, I decided I was in good enough spirits to look at jobs for a bit.  I found something interesting online, and though the details were sparse, it sounded pretty cool.  A freelance writer for an editorial company who works on college textbooks, particularly ones in my area of study.  And to make the deal even sweeter, the pay was good.  I thought about it, mentioned it to Matt, then closed my computer realizing sending in my resume would mean hearing another rejection.  I couldn’t do it; I could not fail or be rejected again.  I just couldn’t.  So I sat on it for a few days, until Matt gently encouraged me to just send in my resume, stating I’d be “perfect for the job.”  (That’s what we’d said about the other 845 jobs I’d applied for.)  So, I begrudgingly sent in my resume at 10:45 that night fearing yet another rejection.  When I opened my computer at 9:00 am the next morning, I had a response.  I interviewed a few days later, and Tuesday, I found out…I got the job.

The job is great, though different than what I had in my “perfect little plan” (aka the plan that never works out, and thankfully, because God’s plan is SO much better.)  It pays well, its flexible, and it involves doing something I really love, writing.  But you know what?  I almost didn’t apply for this job.  I almost didn’t send in my resume.  Not because the job didn’t sound fantastic, not because I didn’t want it, but because I was afraid.  Afraid of failure.

So today, I am realizing how powerful the fear of failure can be.  It keeps us from pursuing our dreams, following our passions, and taking risks that may lead to great things.  Today, I am realizing that I almost let my fear of failure keep me down.  And today, I am vowing to push through my fears in the future, no matter how scary they may be.

What is the fear of failure keeping you from doing?

In This Place

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The boxes are taped, the truck is loaded, our bags our packed.  We’re spending the night at a friend’s house and then heading out on our new adventure bright and early tomorrow.  This morning, after our sweet friends and moving crew were gone, I looked around at our empty apartment with a mix of emotions.  For the past four years, this place has been home, and looking at the bare walls and empty rooms, I couldn’t help but think about all that has happened in this place.

In this place, I moved out on my own for the first time,
lived in a pink paradise shoebox apartment,
and found out all the expenses that come with being a “grown up.”

In this place, I met my wonderful husband,
some fabulous friends,
and the world’s greatest boss and friend.

In this place, I followed my heart,
learned a lot about making my own path,
and becoming my own person.

In this place, I got more interested in fashion,
taking greater risks and chances with my closet,
because I figured no one in this small town would notice if I looked like I got dressed in the dark.

In this place, I began to truly value my high school friends,
as people who know the real me and take me as I am,
no matter how much time or distance stands between us.

In this place, I learned getting a Ph.D is a challenge,
its brought incredible growth, life lessons, and self discovery,
as well as some crazy naysayers and people who I can’t wait to prove wrong.

In this place, I’ve met found a passion for working with college students,
been blessed to teach some incredible young people,
and been equally blessed to have learned so much from them.

In this place, I’ve had countless laughs,
took thousands of pictures,
and made millions of memories.

In this place, I have changed,
grown,
and been impacted by some really fabulous people.

So as we prepare to head out on our new adventure, I am thoughtful and thankful about all that has happened here in this place, and I am eager for all the new memories that await us. 

In our new place.

*We’ll be on the road for the next few days, but hopefully I’ll be able to snag some internet at our hotels.  At the latest, I’ll be back on Monday with an arrival update and some pictures from along the way.  Have a fabulous weekend, dear friends!

Today

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I’ve been worrying a lot lately.  Worrying about our move, worrying about finding a job, worrying about how I’ll feel when I’m hundreds of miles from my family and best friends.  Worrying is a tricky thing; it’s a trap.  I spend countless hours and energy obsessing over things I have absolutely no control over, and in this process, I miss out using these hours and energy somewhere where it counts, somewhere where I can do something.  So today, I’m trying hard not to worry.  Because this picture is so right.  Today is the day I worried about yesterday.  I worried, but it came and went all the same.  Nothing happy is happening today because I worried.  Happy things are happening because they’re happening, so I’m going to embrace the motto “let go and let God.”  Today, I am not going to worry…

The Story of Us

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So last week was “Matt Week.”  Kind of like “Shark Week” but not as creepy.  It wasn’t an intentional dedicated week, but with a dissertation defense and a birthday, it couldn’t be anything else but “Matt Week.”  Matt Week brought many of you out asking, “How did you and Matt meet?”  Lindsay was actually the first reader to ask about Matt and I’s meet story, and I told her eons ago I’d post about it.  Eons later…here is the story of us, at least according to me…

In the spring of 2006, I interviewed for a Ph.D program in Texas.
Matt was a year ahead of me and already in the program.
I came to interview; he sat on the student panel who interviewed
me.

He was loud, confident, and laughed a lot.
I noticed, but barely, because I was so anxious about the interview.
In one question, the panel asked, “What makes you weird?”
(Umm, how the hell are you supposed to answer that?!)
I tried to think of something weird, something that wouldn’t make it sound like I tried to find something-weird-but-secretly-normal.

I said I did Jazzercise.
Matt and everyone on the panel laughed.
I laughed, but fakely.  Damn.  Had my “weird” been too weird?
That following Monday, I got a phone call from a professor.
I got into the program. 
I guess my weird was ok.

Matt apparently thought I was attractive/hot/cute (or some other guy form of the word.)
He and his best friend Miguel referred to me as “the Jazzercise girl” for the rest of the summer.
When I got to the program in the fall, I (aka Jazzercise girl) had a boyfriend.
Matt was sad.  Matt attempted some flirting.
I wasn’t impressed.

I thought he was loud, obnoxious and kind of cocky.
He thought I was stuck up, bitchy, and vanilla.
Those are common misconceptions of both of us.
Matt is confident (and yes, pretty loud) so it can be seen as cocky.
I am shy as hell in new situations; it comes off as snotty and stuck up.

But over two semesters of graduate statistics, we found two mutual friends…Clare and Miguel.
Me and Clare were besties.  Matt and Miguel were besties.
Matt, Miguel, Clare, and me.
The four us began spending more time together, but always as the four of us (or just the besties together.)
No variation of Matt and I together without the others; we weren’t that comfortable with each other.

One night, the four of us were supposed to meet for dinner and drinks.
Clare texted, she had yoga and couldn’t make it.  Dang.
Miguel texted, he got caught up in something.  He couldn’t make it.
CRAP. 
Without the four of us, Matt and I would be clueless and awkward.
We’d have nothing to say to each other.
We each furiously texted half of our phonebooks to try to find someone else to join us.
Someone else to water down his cockiness.
Someone else to water down my snottiness.

No one could come.  Not one single soul.
Damn.
It was too late to cancel without looking like losers.
We’d have to go.
Just the two of us.

We sat out on the patio at a baja taco bar.
The aluminum chairs squeaked as we sat down.
Oh God.  This is going to be awkward.
And it was.
For about ten minutes.
Then, with no one there to rescue us, no one there to cover, we had to be our real selves.
Our real, non-cocky, non-bitchy selves.

Two hours later, we went our separate ways.
I can’t lie and say “there were sparks…we knew right away.”
But we both left feeling…different.
Different about each other, different about ourselves maybe, but mostly, different about the way we saw one another.
Not crazy and conceited, but funny and soft,
Not snotty and vanilla, but hesitant and thoughtful.

Weeks went by.
We continued to hang out the four of us, but our real selves were much more visible.
Then one night out, things were different.
I have no idea what was different, why it was different, or why we didn’t question it more.
But things were different.  Really different.
There was an undeniable spark between us.
We could both feel it; everyone could see it.
It was weird. 
And unexpected.
But we went with it.

A few weeks later, it was just us.
Together.  Serious.
Me and Matt.
It was weird and really out of character.
I look back now and think, was it really that way?
Yep.  It was.  (I sometimes re-read the emails to smile and make sure.)
It was weird alright.
But it was awesome.

I flew to Arizona to meet his family.
I loved them, and they liked (or pretended) to like me.
A few months after the spark, we sat in the customs office so Matt could apply for a passport to spend Christmas with my family.
(My fam was living in London at the time.)
Now I look back and think, good Lord, that was so fast, what if we’d broken up?
How awkward.
That thought didn’t enter my mind then.
And I’m glad it didn’t.
Matt came for Christmas, something I’d never let anyone else share with my family before.

We talked about marriage early on, but both agreed a full year of dating was necessary.
So we dated a year.
He took me ring shopping and then surprised me when I least expected it.
It was perfect.
And better than I’d ever imagined as a child.

We continued to grow together, facing challenges.
Ups and downs.
Life.
A year later, June 26, 2009, we got married.
It was the best day of my life.
And a fabulous page in the story of us.
We are so blessed to have one another.
Life is hard, people are not perfect.
Relationships take work.
But there is no one I’d rather have by my side through the ups and the downs, 
And the pages of life
than Matt.

* So there you have it… the story of us.  I hope this wasn’t too personal or too much.  I sat down to write and this is what came out.

Two Weeks Till Goodbye…

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Two weeks from Friday, we will be shutting the door to the Uhaul, locking up our apartment for the last time, and hitting the road for our new home in Chicago.  Two weeks.  I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.  The day Matt and I could get out of this little town, the day I could say goodbye to the naysayers and the doubters, and the day we get to start a new and exciting adventure.  But now that this day is a month away, I’m starting to have second thoughts.  Not second thoughts about our move or how much we’ll love Chicago, but second thoughts about how much I’m going to miss this place, how much I’m going to miss the people I’ve grown to love, and how much I’m going to miss the life we’ve built here.  I came to this town thinking, its just four years, it’s just for this degree, I can do it, no problem.  It’s been four years, and though there have certainly been some rough patches, there have also been some incredible times.  Some really incredible times.

I’ve met people who have significantly impacted my life.  People who have challenged me, supported me, loved me, and liked me.  People who have helped me figure out who I am and who I want to be.  These people have been friends, colleagues, students, and supervisors.  These people have made this place a home, and now with two weeks until we leave, the thought of saying goodbye to these people is overwhelming.  I’m finding myself cramming in as many dinner dates, Starbucks trips, and long chats with people as I can.  I’m finding myself glued to my camera, desperately trying to capture every minute that goes by.  Last week, I found myself wondering if I could hire a papparazzo to follow me and my loved ones around, capturing the little, hidden moments that are the most special.  The subtle signs of affection, the laughs, the hugs, the jokes from my students…the things that a “Ready, one, two, three (click of my Nikon) can’t seem to catch.  I’m not ready to give those moments up, I’m not ready to say goodbye to those moments and the people who make them so special.

Goodbyes are hard, and I certainly don’t think I do them well.  I typically put them off, fumble to find the right words, and then break down in tears as I hug the person goodbye.  I often hear others say, “See you soon,” which in many cases, is an avoidance of the fact that, honestly, you probably won’t see each other soon.  Sure, when I hug my family and my bestest friends goodbye, I can say that, because, I will see them soon (or at least again.)  But many of my students and student mentors, I very well likely may not see again.  They will grow up, graduate, and do great things with their lives.  Of course, I’ve said goodbye before, but something about staying put and watching others trickle in and out is easier than being the one to leave.  Being the one to uproot yourself and leave a place with people you know and love.

So today, though I am excited for Chicago and know it will be an adventure for Matt and I, I can’t help but think about how hard it is to say goodbye to places and people that I love, places and people who have brought constant joy and inspiration into my life.  I have a feeling  these next two weeks are going to be filled with lots of goodbyes, lots of hugs, and for me, lots of tears.  I have a feeling two weeks from Friday is going to be a hard, hard day…